‘Is everyone in chennai above the age of 16 married then?’ said one FB comment yesterday speaking of the Madras HC Judge equating pre-martial sex to marriage.
Really? all 16 year olds in chennai have had sex then(the implication there was that a very high percent ) ??these kinda moronic exaggerations give a wrong picture of the society and leaves the conservative majority wondering, whether their life is so pathetic that they dont seem to be getting the action themselves, are unaware the a lot of others are getting some action or that they are not even part of a circle where these things go on implying that they are at the bottom rung when it comes to these issues.
Do not go on with the supposed online survey of some condom companies who wan to project that there is more sex in this society to get the ball rolling for them. Mumbai’s International Institute for Population Sciences (IIPS), a public health institute conducted this survey to include 55,000 males and females from about1.7 lakh households in states of Bihar, Jharkhand, Maharashtra, Rajasthan, Tamil Nadu and Andhra Pradesh, their ages ranging from 15 to 29
Statistical figures reveal that about 21 percent males(the kind like future lorry drivers) and 4 percent females from rural areas admitted to have had pre-marital sex against an urban figure of 11 percent males(including the ones going to those red-light areas) and 2 percent females. It only mentions sex, not if its penetrative or not.
Now to the question of is pre-marital sex and multiple partners good for the society and people overall?
I know the above link says pastoral and so its bound to be biased.but its only a literature review of other established reseachwork. And these studies indicate that in a society where ‘ do whatever one feels like’ attitude is present people will have multiple partners before marriage,however are also bound to have more affairs and divorces after marriage.. One does not even need documented works for this……any common man can make an observation that western societies with a liberal attitude is prone to more divorces and change of partners compared to conservative societies like south asia. It is Intellectual abdication to assume that people are gonna turn angels after marriage and that a person who gets in and out of relationships many times will have the same emotional attachment towards his/her partners as someone who doesnt. Just like how modern free thinkers reason out seeing no harm in having relationship with different people prior to marriage, people may reason out post-marriage too and claim that – they can be nice to their partners at home and they can be nice to other people when they are not with partners, as long as they can avoid cuckolding or things like physical/emotional unavailability. I mean people find pleasure in pushing norms and limits always…The liberal concepts of today will become conservative thinking of tomorrow and relationships will evolve into something like friendships and the family (let alone nuclear family) system will totally break down sometime in the future if our reasoning tends to be on ‘do what one feels like’ and liberal side. I dont think many liberals would accept the above argument and most times they resort to name calling and side track the debates.
When people feel like they should be able to do whatever one pleases it gives them license to be more aggressive in their pursuit of mates. More often than not the aggressive(nice guys finish last, the bad guy always gets the girl) gets rewarded unless all members are super mature about judging things and determining whats right. And also this liberty and do what one pleases attitude, will often result in people pushing the line and seeking out new relationships breaking of relationships/marriage even after having kids. This is more of a return to animalistic way of things/ though the other term for it is being natural (and not suppressing any instincts). Now western countries have matured a great deal in this and they have better standards of living with less wealth/status divide. But back home i dont think a lot of people are mature enough for this and this will encourage a lot of aggressive, asshole-ish behaviour..which can already be seen amongst a lot of the youngsters in the country.
I think that the main reason extra-marital affairs or pre-marital sex is a problem in the minds of many people is as follows.If you refer my next blog, i wudve have explained how the main purpose of any life force is to make an impact on other things. Humans definitely feel motivated to acquire more power,riches, do good, make babies, do something because they constantly seek to make an impact on others and other things and thus preserve themselves through the impact they make…either through their offsprings or through a monument they built or by being the president or CEO or something. So more than cuckold or lack of emotional availability, we want our partners to be a clean slate/marble give to us for us to make our impact on. I mean you also make an impact on others as friends/parents etc, but an impact on someone as a soul mate/lover is something more deep. If someone else is also making designs in your slate/marble, or your slate already had designs when it was give to you, it is not the same i guess. I mean when we were in school we were given clean slates and note books, I wonder what would have happened if we had to compete for those note books – some people would have gotten more pages and get to make their design on a lot of the pages whereas some dont get any pages to make their designs with. Of course humans are not slates or marbles, but if you can understand that all of want to touch and make an impact on as many people as possible..you will get the analogy i suppose. This is also the basis for other conflicts like people getting pissed off about English overtaking and patronising foreign ideas. A human would speak an average of x amount of words in his life. If you are a tamil patroit, you would want that person to speak in tamil mostly and will get pissed off if the other guy is speaking mostly in english instead of tamil. So the same way, you want your partner to be thinking about you most of the time rather than a number of other people. I mean even if you know that your best friend had gone out with some other guy when you were out of station, there will be a slight element of jealousy and this is not just confined to your marital partners.
Having said this I am not a conservative guy and in fact i think that India/Chennai should be a more liberal society with prevalence of pre-marital sex. I believe that really mature people should be able to put themselves in each others shoes and find out whats gonna be the best thing to do..pre or post marriage. I mean, everyone gets tempted and if indeed they happen to seek a relation with someone else…you should have the mindset and maturity to be the best judge of the situation. You should be in a position to evaluate if that person will still be commited( a married partner has to be much more commited) to you and value your relationship at an adequate level or if indeed the person is someone who is not a very considerate person. So one has to confront the person incase of an affair and have to make this judgement. This ability to judge a person correctly comes from your past experiences and from how life teaches you to about people generally..and if you do not have this, you will probably not make the wrong decision when things dont go according to your plan. I also think open marriages can very well work, if both the partners involved are wise/mature enough to understand and judge each other and the situation well enough. You cant go to online forums or anything to find a rule book or an answer, but you have to analyse your own situation and and decide the best . The above is in regards to how to deal with problems in liberal societies, to the question of why we need liberal norms – the norm of the societies are there just to work out whats the good for the society, and in this day and age i believe conservativeness causes more pain to people than liberal attitude..let me explain below.
The Dove-Hawk modeling can also be applied here.. Briefly, it implies hawks are more aggressive in pursuit of their self-interest and doves are not aggressive. And The dove population(read as society) can sustain itself within less confrontation within, whereas the hawk population has a lot of confrontations and swings like a sine wave within an ecosystem and is bound to go extinct and not survive if there are resource shortages or other influences within the eco system.
So the aggressive(do whatever one pleases without fully considering larger consequences) pursuit of self-interest is a more primitve/animalistic trait and a conservative nature is more evolved/human. No wonder many religions and human institutions preach conservativeness..and human evolved into being conservative from being aggressive and not the other way around. So conservativeness is not Stupidity/victorian/primitive thinking like those liberals call it to be. It is the contrary.
However, If within the same environment you bring Both the doves and hawks, The aggressive hawks have an advantage and will emerge the winners( game theoretically speaking..im not making this up).
In a way this is analogous to the capitalism vs communism. In liberal societies, not all males/females in a society have equal potential when it comes to impressing people, and the rich in love keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poor( your right i took this line from ‘enemy at the gates http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93tR96egox4‘
Jude law is the rich guy and the other is the poor one). Although there is more Loving in the liberal societies, there are hug differences in the love that people get and there is a lot of jealousy and resentment that way. In a traditional/conservative society most people just get 1 partner and so not many are jealous of others and feel like they are terribly below the others.
So in closed societies , our culture/conservative values are good and it works. but in this day of Globalisation we are exposed and encounter other cultures. Despite their problems, when we see people having fun in other places(like watching Hollywood/bollywood or even travelling and living in their places or if we see them in our cities ) we are tempted and we think that even we should be able to have fun like them.
Just assuming thatIn a conservative society maybe there are 20% people getting laid and the rest are losers who wait till they get married. In a Liberal society there are 80% who are getting laid and 20% are losers. Which society would you rather be a loser in ??? If you are a failure, would you rather the majority also fails or would you be okay with the fact the you are one of the few who is a failure and therefore assured that you are a distinct bottom of the pile?
The natural tendency is to prefer be a loser where 80 % of the society is also a loser,where you think most others are just like you. other wise you just feel miserable to see everyone else having fun around you but not you.
But the other way one can look at is that, if 80 % are able to have sex, it really isnt that big of a deal. In a conservative society, those players and rich ones who get laid feel even more superior and elitist to the remaining 80%. And moreover, if you society/group of people/..for eg lets say Tamils are know to be conservative losers in the eyes of Others, thats also an issue. These are times of GLobalisation and we have to adjust our strategy accordingly… I’d rather 80% of tamils have a good healthy sex life than just 20%.
Q)But if conservativenss is a good/better system, arent we supposed to try to make it the system of the world and not adopt the bad system?
Well you can try to fight for what you think is good…but only if you are on top/well off/have the resources/ everybody else is looking towards you to lead in aspects of culture and stuff. Unfortunately its not us Tamils Now. West is the dominant economic and cultural power not and everyone else is ksiing upto them..It will be easy for them to promote their liberal views and it will be exponentially harder for us to strive for the propogation of Conservative attitude. Infact Indians,south india/TN is particular became even more/ultra conservative only because of the cultural influence of the ruling british and the propogation of ideas of Church during the victorian era(cxtianity and its cultural influence tied up with the dravidian movement had much higher success in the south than north) . Even until recent times, you can observe that in remote rural there is a prevalence of relationship/pregnencies before marriage at a younger age of 15/16..of girls/people belonging to average backgrounds. Only the Urbanised and upper/ middle classes & among the christians do we find extreme conservative attitude in TN/South . So lets just change our stratgey and acquire a positive/fun/hot perception in the eyes of others. Who knows if people in TN start trying to be more playful and fun , we might also get cuter and more neotenous faces and heroines amongst us…cox your personality and behaviour shapes your thought/face and body chemistry over generations amounts to significant change in appearances.
Dating/getting into relationships and sex are kinda the biggest things in the world. So if you havent done it and when you get to know that a lot of others have done that these, you feel like you have a serious lack of experience and knowledge pertaining to life. You kinda feel like you are much below than someone who has gotten these experiences – if you measure yourself against othters based on what one has( wealth,looks,experiences,knowledge, interesting/good circle and life etc). However, just realise that a lot of things/luck come into play like where you are brougth up, your background, the kinda people you can connect to etc etc. So you were just unlucky to not acquire these experiences, not always because that the others are inherently better than you or even smarter than you.
Just like Flirting/sex is a pleasure/positive experience input to your brain/yourself,
acquiring knowledge, unique things youve done/experienced, realisation that you are better than someone in some aspect,being rewarded ,being proud/happy about yourself, etc etc are all expereinces(positive or negative) as well that you have. People constantly and subconsciously size each other up and determine if someone is better than them , below them or almost at the same level(chankaya has also said something about this but dont wanna get into that). And they size each other up using the above factors,experiences.. For instance everything else being similar A guy who has knowledge highly intellectual stuff will feel much more confident/superior in front of another who doesnt.
But not all experience has the same weigthtage ..if someone says he has skied somehwere and that it was a great experience..it doesnt really make me jealous because it is not highly relevant or important to me. I might feel great about playing in the same table as barry greenstein in borgata. But like I said before, the greatest,most important experience is in connecting with someone romantically/sexually and if you have had many such interesting and good experiences….you are living a very good life that an animal/human/organism can hope for. It takes much , much higher intelllectual accomplishment(like wining a nobel prize or being recognised as the number 1 intellectual of our times ) to beat the positive experience of someone like the casanova or such players..especially if you do not havent been able to impress anyone of a good caliber of attractiveness yourself..to feel like you are better than them. i think 1 out of may be a million times can a romantically challenged person feel confident/superior to a player with respect the the good life/positive experiences they have had.
The reason for Intelligence weighing lower than sexual attractivenss is this. Everything we do, we do with the aim of preserving ourselves..thats why we eat , thats why we reproduce. Theres a theory in the scientific community that says that Human intelligence evolved Mainly because of the need to mate. So it is important for you to be intelligent/talented/rich etc etc only to be able to find mates (everyone can get good food easily). So knowing that you are fuckable reassures ur fitness level as a successful(able to pass on genes and survive)species more than knowing that you are intelligent or can climb the mount everest or whatever. say for eg a feat like climbing mt everest…its a hard one and not everyone can do it. But that doesnt make you better than many others becoz you dont really get to touch/influence other lives and get something out of it – to eventually make yours better and contribute to your agenda for survival in someway. For example if you are able to impress a hot girls, it means you have the skills to influence people to serve your agenda of procreating with healthy,good looking children. If you are the president, you have influence over many people, but that influence is not gonna have a high gradient of direct consequences towards your personal survival. I mean being a president/PM is still much greater accomplishment becoz although you touch lives with a smaller gradient, you are touching millions of lives so it multiplies and thats a greater accomplishment than scoring just a hot chick. It also doesnt mean that intellectual feats such as understanding advanced concepts are useless as it has nothing to do with scoring chicks. These are aslo important, coz when you compare yourselves against others based on just intelligence, people well versed with the ultimate thought area-physics & existentialism occupy a higher level than those who can talk about rock music or something.I mean I have dealt with why preservation of genes is not the only form of survival/propogation/passing on, but also the impact we make on others is also our mark on this world..for eg..if you create the language C which influences so many people and as long as that influence is felt significantly, a part of you survives. But not everyone gets to influence so many lives unless they are presidents or dennis ritchie. So for the average guy, romantic feat is greater than an average intellectual feat.
Good thing is many people can have many sexual experiences , but not many people can be nobel laureates and hence intelligence makes you more unique. I mean it doesnt require as much skill/potential to be sexually attractive person as comapred to being a Scientist or a Champion athlete..But still because of the relevence to lifes objective, it is more important to be fuckable than Intelligent and experiences pertaining to sex ar more important than experiences pertaining to other achievements. Unfortunately for us, most south indians, chennaiites are in the romantically challenged category and we burn with jealousy upon seeing fun having whites/ north indians. I mean north indians are the hottest and since they are also liberal consequently become the most fun people on the planet. South indians are so close to them yet so far away from them in the aspect of fun. To explore further on the differences , read my other blogs.
I had already talked about(in other blogs) why being fuckable is more important than being Intelligent and why experiences pertaining to sex are more important than experiences pertaining to intellectual and other kinda achievements. say for eg a feat like climbing mt everest…its a hard one and not everyone can do it. But that doesnt make you better than many others becoz you dont really get to touch/influence other lives and get something out of it – to eventually make yours better and contribute to your agenda for survival in someway. For example if you are able to impress a hot girls, it means you have the skills to influence people to serve your agenda of procreating with healthy,good looking children. If you are the president, you have influence over many people, but that influence is not gonna have a high gradient of direct consequences towards your personal survival. I mean being a president/PM is still much greater accomplishment becoz although you touch lives with a smaller gradient, you are touching millions of lives so it multiplies and thats a greater accomplishment than scoring just a hot chick.I mean i realise that its not all about dating and I have dealt with why mating and preservation of genes is not the only form of survival/propogation/passing on, but also the impact we make on others is also our mark on this world..for eg..if you create the language C which influences so many people and as long as that influence is felt significantly, a part of you survives. But not everyone gets to influence so many lives unless they are presidents or an inventor. I mean inventors know at the time of their invention what an impact thats gonna make..irrespective of he is acknowledged or become popular or rich for it. Thats the underlying motivation behind open source.
Greatness Vs Fitness
I dont mean that intellectual feats such as understanding advanced concepts are useless as it has nothing to do with scoring chicks. These are also important, coz when you compare yourselves against others based on just intelligence, people well versed with the ultimate thought area-physics & existentialism occupy a higher level than those who can talk about rock music or something.People who understand for eg..the theory of everything in science, will feel superior to many people they come across ..wrt intelligence and because intelligence is a greater skill with which you can influence people an intellectual feat is better than a physical feat.However knowledge of physics is not going to be a greater skill in influencing people compared to swag. So when a physics nerd compares himself with a cool guy in circumstances pertaining to non-dating things, he will feel like he is better, but considering everything, in real life the person with swag will feel like he is bettering morelife points / survival points)(at have unless the physics guy has also had some experience scoring hot chicks. That is ,the cool guy is more Fitter to propogate his genes and traits and make an impact, whereas the physics guy(not an inventor) has greater inherent potential. I mean I dont have to establish why physics s a greater logical/intellectual area than dating know-how or even social sciences. Its because 1) The logic in physics is very deep and a greater breadth of concepts that goes into defining a lot of other concepts 2) physical sciences is the area that makes human make sense of most inputs they get.
And also, There might have been only a few people who have climed Mt.everest, but they still rank lower in Inherent potential than the thousands of physics grad who are able to comprehend the Theory of everything. This is because Intellect is a greater virtue than strength or athleticism in this world/human society, as one can achieve more with intelligence than with strength, and the level or intellectual variation between people is far greater than the level of physical variation amongst people.
the question now is, who should feel superior when they size each other up, the fitter or the greater?
Value = Integral[ (Skill/Potential) * Gradient of Survival agenda ]
The higher skill/potential guy should feel superior, but the fitter guy will be the happier of the two as he is bound to have more positive moments in life and also. For the average guy, romantic feat is greater than an average intellectual feat wrt as the romantic achievements fetch more Value by means of the gradient . And unless you are unaverage -like a physics genius who has thought about really very deep concepts that not many could get that easily, the intellectual achievement/potential of the average person is not that much of a high achievement/Value that no one else can accomplish. In other words, if you are the head of an I.T company like narayanmurthy, the inherent potential of a politician or a suave artist is better as the intellectual potential of narayana murthy is not really too high to make up for the inherent potential that the artist has, as the actor’s potential is multiplied by a higher gradient of appropriateness to scoring life points.
So chennai, change you conservative/mature behaviour or you will continue to feel miserable in this globalised world